Snoozing Beast : A Parody
by Jene Miles
Summary: This is just a silly old parody written for an English writing task based upon the Brothers Grimm's well-known fairytale, Sleeping Beauty. Read on if you dare!


**RATING:** G (contains very low level violence) 

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Wow. I haven't submitted anything for ... a long time! I've gotten a bit rusty with things around here. Heh. Anyway, this is actually my modernised fairytale piece for English last term - it was practically written in the format of a fan fiction; I just standardised everything to 'proper, proper English' in the end - and I thought I'd entertain you a bit with my oh-so-amusing humour. Cheers. Please read and review. As you should always do. (Hmm, maybe I should write some ballads or sonnets or poems, or goodness knows what's next.) I got full marks for this baby; that's the only reason why I'm submitting it. Feeling slightly egotistical tonight...

Snoozing Beast  
_ (otherwise known as Sleeping Beauty)_

Once a parody ago, there was a king and queen who longed to have a child of their own. Their wish was eventually granted and the queen gave birth to the sweetest little girl whom they named Briar Rose. 

The king was overjoyed with his newborn child that he ordered a grand feast, inviting his family and friends. He did not forget to invite twelve fairies. (The thirteenth one was not allowed to come.) He had heard from good friend, Puss in Boots, that they were quite reputable along the lines of magic. 

The feast was magnificent: the food was delicious; everyone was dancing and having a wonderful time. The Gingerbread Man managed to gatecrash the party with bottles of alcohol (the Queen ended up having him for dessert) but that only strengthened the King's happiness. 

Later, eleven of the twelve fairies blessed the baby with their gifts: beauty, grace, wit and the ability to sing, dance and play music. As the twelfth fairy, Suzie, began to bestow her gift upon Briar Rose, the thirteenth suddenly appeared out of nowhere. 

"Now that's what I call a grand entrance!" The thirteenth wise woman, named Grizzy, said. She faced the King. "How dare you not invite me to this grand function of yours? It is so boring at home! Afternoon soaps just aren't for me, you know!" 

The King replied nervously, "Well, there were only twelve vacant seats left; it's not as though I intentionally ditched you." 

Looking thoroughly disgusted, Grizzy declared, "As your punishment, I also have a gift for the child, whether you like it or not. She will grow to be beautiful and graceful and all that, but on her sixteenth birthday, if she should touch a spindle and prick herself, she will die!" She cackled loudly. The hall was silent as her malicious cry echoed across the room. She vanished in a puff of smoke. 

"I told you she needed psychiatric help," the first fairy muttered to the second. The second fairy nodded agreeably. 

The Queen was sobbing uncontrollably as the King tried to comfort her. He mouthed to the fairies, help me! 

Suzie stepped forward. "You forget, your majesties, I haven't yet bestowed a gift upon the child. All hope is not lost." The Queen stopped crying, blinking at Suzie. "The baby will grow to be sixteen, and if she pricks her finger on a spindle, she will not die. Instead, she will sleep for 1000 years." 

The king pondered. "Isn't that a bit long?" 

"Would you rather she dies, sire?" Suzie asked. 

"Well, no," the King responded, "but still, 1000 years is a long time." He remained silent for a moment before declaring to everyone, "OK! I, er… I demand that all the spindles in the kingdom be destroyed!" 

And it was done. 

***

So, Briar Rose grew up, as all children do, but somewhere in between all the gifts she had been blessed with came out as the complete opposite. She became loud, crude, sporty and vivacious. More importantly she was certainly no oil painting. It is understood that the twelve witches magic had been tampered with by a He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and every spell performed on the day of the baby's christening had backfired. Nonetheless, she was spoilt by her parents' love. 

On Briar Rose's sixteenth birthday, the King and Queen both went out for a stroll around the kingdom, leaving her to do anything to her heart's content. 

Briar Rose was exploring the castle and discovered an abandoned tower. Curious, she let herself in. When she walked up to the end of the staircase, she found a little man sitting by a spindle weaving beautiful gold out of ... straw? 

"Who are you anyway? What are you doing?" she asked the man. 

"They call me Rump-on-a-stilts-man, miss. I'm spinning gold for another young Queen." 

"I thought you'd already done that before!" 

The man sighed. "Yeah, well, this time the demand is really high after everyone heard about it." 

"Oh." Briar Rose's eyes lit up. "Hey, can I have a go?" 

"Sure!" Rump-on-a-stilts-man replied. 

"Eeek!" Briar Rose accidentally pricked her finger. At once, her eyes rolled back and she collapsed onto the floor. 

"Ahhhhh!" Rump-on-a-stilts-man cried, running around in circles. "She's dead; she's dead; she's dead!" 

"Will you be quiet, old man?" Suzie, the twelfth fairy appeared, and whacked him on the head. He instantly fell to the floor. She then laid Sleeping Beauty on the nearby bed. "I knew this would happen! Well, this won't do," she muttered to herself. "I'll have to enchant the whole castle and its residents to a thousand year sleep too, so as not to disturb the timing." Flapping her wings crazily about, she whizzed around the castle tapping everything and everyone to deep slumber, as fairies are not long in doing their business. To finish up, she conjured a thick vine to conceal the castle so no one would discover it. 

*** 

The years passed slowly and the thousandth year soon approached, when the princess would finally be awaken by her rightful prince. Prince James was taking his daily morning jog along the Patter River when he bumped into someone. 

"Goldilocks!" 

"Jamie!" 

The Prince frowned. "Don't call me that, Goldie." 

"Sorry, your Highness," Goldilocks grinned and bowed courteously to him. "Fancy seeing you here. I was just taking a break. Those three bears are a bother to feed. Especially Baby Bear. He is such a HOG!" She grumbled. "Anyway, what are you doing down here? Are you also attempting to free the Princess from her millennium sleep?" 

"What?" 

Goldilocks jaw dropped. "Don't tell me you don't know? Why, I thought every prince in every kingdom knew about this. Brave men have come and gone in an unsuccessful attempt to save the Princess from the castle over there." She pointed to a field where thistles and vines had grown wildly around. "They call her 'Snoozing Beast' because the birds say she snores really loudly and her mouth opens up revealing all her yellow teeth and cavities." Goldilocks giggled at the Prince's appalled face. "Legend has it that she's been cursed to a thousand years of sleep. In fact, this year is the thousandth year, I believe. " 

"So there's a princess there?" 

"Yep." 

"This means I'm the one who has to save her, right?" 

"Yep." 

The Prince groaned. "Did you know I had to save Snow White? Later, she dumped me for Hansel. I had to marry Cinderella just because those silly glass slippers fit her and now I have to save this 'Snoozing Beast'?" 

"The women just can't resist you, sire." 

The Prince snorted. "Well, OK. This is the last time I do that knight-in-shining-armour-saving-the-damsel-in-distress thing." Goldilocks grinned. "Fair enough. Just don't blame me if you end up dead. Good luck then, Jamie! Invite me to your wedding, won't you?" She gave him a friendly shove and skipped away. 

Left on his own, Prince James set off for the castle. He tried cutting through the vines and thistles with his feeble dagger but it didn't work. Finally, he hired a bulldozer and tore his way through the bothersome plant. 

Thoroughly exhausted - "I'm getting too old for this!" - the Prince approached the tallest tower in the castle and walked up the long staircase to a musky room where he found not the most beautiful, but the most average-looking girl he had ever set eyes upon, lying lifelessly in a four-poster bed. 

He drew near to where the Princess lay. He swallowed nervously and inched his face towards Briar Rose's. He pressed his lips sloppily against hers. Her eyes instantly opened. "Princess, you are finally awake!" 

The Princess wiped her mouth. "So much for sweet first kiss," she mumbled. She stared long and hard at the Prince. "What took you so long, anyway?" Her outburst was so unexpected that Jonathan took a few clumsy steps backwards. The Princess continued, "I woke up fifty-five years ago! That spell must have worn off. Stupid thing. I had to pretend to sleep because everyone else was still snoring away." She grumbled to herself as she brushed the enormous dust piles that had been built up around her over the years off her bed. 

She admired herself in the mirror. "Hey! I still look good after 1000 years!" 

James, who had remained reticent for some time, was completely blown away by the Princess's self-assurance and brashness that he was permanently drawn to her. 

She studied James for a moment. "Still, you must be good," Briar Rose mused. "You're the only guy who's made it this far. Once everyone wakes up, I guess I'll have to marry you." 

And marry they did. 

The End. 

(They wind up living happily ever after, if you're still wondering. Come on, this is a fairytale!) 

**_ READ AND REVIEW, SI VOUS PLAIS? (God, I don't even know French.) _**

**_ READ AND REVIEW, PLEASE (in other words.)_**


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